exspecto
Why do I keep going to the Tabboo sex show when I am always so bored at it?
It is the second one, isn’t it?
I had my first lengthy conversation where I tried to not qualify what I said. God, it was difficult.
It’s hard because it’s scary to just say what you think and stand by it, naked and brutal, undiluted by, “it’s just my opinion”, etc. It made the things I said feel much more harsh.
But, I still think them, believe them, say them. That’s the point, I guess. I have to have the courage to say what I think and face the wrath my opinions may bring. Or decide not to say them at all, depending on the situation.
A byproduct of this particular vow is to think about what I’m saying, what I think and hold dear. If I’m scared to say it plain, I need to consider why. If it’s because I’m unsure of it’s validity, I need to think about why I hold that belief. If it’s because it may be hurtful, I have to consider my motivation in saying it, whether it’s to get a cheap thrill out of being “right” or shocking or to hear myself talk, or if it’s something that does need to be said.
All my vows so far have had to deal with right speech. I think it’s a good place to start as far as self-improvement goes. Thoughts and speech do affect mood and behavior. And thinking about what comes out of your mouth leads to thinking about what goes into your brain, what you eat, what you surround yourself with, what you’re doing. At least it has for me.
A neat thing about the pub we ate in, though (my friend and I, I mean, where I tried not to qualify everything), was that they played wonderful music, including this song.
I felt stronger today than I have in a couple of weeks. The urge to create has returned. I’m hopeful about the future again. I’m so grateful.
So utterly bored with nearly everything.
Got up at 9.30 this morning. This is good.
2009 has been a bad year, mostly. But then, maybe it’s all a matter of perspective. Lots of shitty things have happened (not just to me, but it seems the whole world is cursed), but lots of good has happened. A friendship renewed, things that made me unhappy jettisoned.
But I haven’t yet replaced those jettisoned things w/ anything new. So I’m adrift. I’m in the kind of depression where most things are tasteless and I just don’t care about much. I’m lazy and unmotivated. I need to shake myself out of it.
One of the bad habits I’ve indulged since quitting my job is staying up late and sleeping in. Once you’re in that habit, it’s really difficult to break, especially if you’re natural pattern is a late-night one. So, getting up earlier and earlier makes me feel like I’m doing something right.
But there’s so much I need to change. It’s overwhelming. Eat better, exercise, figure out what I want to do w/ my life, uke/sing practice, save money, get counseling, meditate, etc., etc. It makes me not even want to start sometimes.
Anyway, today, I need to also leave my house. I have a dinner (platonic) date, but I want to leave my flat to run errands, as well.
I’ve been slowly re-organizing my flat, which feels good. I like getting rid of stuff and reminding myself what I have.
This is my week of not qualifying things I say (or write). I’m not honestly sure how it’s going because I’m largely being solitary.
