K'vitsh

My last day off before the new job starts. Thank the gods it’s sunny.

I’ve been gin-soaked* and full of poisonous thoughts all weekend, so would like to make a new start of things today. It’s so difficult, though. 

I’ve been seeing a therapist. It’s made me realize like never before how much I hold my negative self-image and negative thoughts so dear. It’s such a part of me, it’s been so long, etc. I’m worried I won’t be able to stop.

So, in honour of my inspiration from The Year of Living Biblically, I’ll vow this week not to indulge negative thoughts.

I’ve started meditating regularly again, which helps so much. 

On another note, I’ve decided to try to start “real” blogging again. I made the decision about two years ago to stop putting so many personal things on the net, especially complaining. I still think that’s a good idea, but I want to resume actually saying something on here. I’ll still post links and things, but I want this to be something that comes from me again. Hope it gets some more readers. ;)

*Not really, but I have had some each night for a few nights. “Gin-soaked” just sounded good.

I was having a conversation w/ someone yesterday about cell phone etiquette and it reminded me of this Stevie Nicks quote I read once: 

AP: If you and I were having lunch, and I pulled out my cell phone …

Nicks: I’m gonna put my hand on your hand and say, “Turn it off, for now. Just give me an hour, of you, I really want an hour of just you, and your heart. I don’t want you talking to someone else while we’re having lunch.” It’s love, you know, it’s relationships. I don’t want love and relationships to be lost, and I feel like that’s happening.

I agree w/ her. I love my Crackberry. I have my email come through to it and I love sending and receiving texts. But I think in society it’s gotten a little out of control. I see couples out for dinner, neither of them talking to each other but both surfing on their phones, for instance. Gross.

It also ties into my belief in focusing on the task at hand (in theory, anyway…). Giving my attention and care to what I’m doing or whom I’m with at the moment. 

I mean, of course there are times when it’s necessary to check your phone in another person’s presence, but I’m going to try to be more conscious of not abusing it.

What do you think?

RT @DanielleLaPorte: The whole of the holy life is good friends. - The Buddha

…but I feel like filing my first report on my progress.

It makes things easier, absolutely.

Instead of trying to think my way into feeling better, or around a dark thought, I just refuse to indulge it. And it goes. Simple.

I think the ultimate result will be a retraining of my brain. Will I always struggle w/ worry and negative thoughts? Perhaps.

But I know from sitting the pathetic amount of zen I have that the brain retains muscle memory, too.

It’s interesting. Thinking of being more positive is idealistically good, but in reality threatening. Who am I if I don’t think dark thoughts? That’s what I do!

Why is choosing to be positive seen (by me, at any rate) as a lie, a false self, deluded? My pessimism and cynicism isn’t any more real. It’s just choosing which outlook to adopt.

Does that make sense?

My volunteer commitments are now over. Time to get serious.

Job hunting, uke playing, exercise, eating right, writing. No more fucking around - the things that make me happy, I need to actually do.

I’ve already started meditating twice a day (mostly - I didn’t this morning), and have started going on daily walks (again, mostly).

I don’t know why I avoid things I need and largely want to do. The obvious answer is fear, but that doesn’t seem to tell me much. Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of the discipline required? Fear of holding myself to a standard that requires effort? Yeah, all of those things. But uke playing? I love uke playing. Why would I avoid it?

No one is going to make my life the one I want but me. And that’s scary. But I have to face it in it’s totality. I’ve grown a lot in that regard, but need to go further with it. The excuses are done.

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waiting…could be the hardest thing by red twolips

The ups and downs of my emotions lately are trying.

I’ve also been keeping incredibly crazy hours which sometimes take it out of me. The other night I couldn’t get to sleep ‘till, well, 8 o’clock in the morning the next day. I generally am up now ‘till 4 a.m. and sleep ‘till at least 2 p.m. It’s not a big deal if that’s your schedule, and I’m getting used to it, but I can’t help but feel I’m wasting the day away. It might be because I’m wasting the days away.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I’m glad I started meditating again. I hope it helps w/ this crazy thinking. I mean, it will, but not magically. I still have to work to not listen to my own stories.

I’m experimenting w/ tagging. Maybe it’ll work like categorizing. I hope so.